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There is nothing to make you feel more dependent then suddenly finding yourself physically broken. Those of you who know me know that one of the things I am proud to a fault about is my independence. I find it very difficult to ask for help for things I should be able to do myself (even things as small as opening jars!). Well, i'm on crutches and can't put my entire weight on my left leg, and need to put in significant effort each day so my ankle doesn't resemble a balloon by the end of it. I need help.
Intellectually, of course, I know I am dependent on other people everyday to live the way I do - I just don't see them and don't have to admit that I need their help to live my lifestyle. I also know that despite my fiercely independent mental attitude, if I carry it through as much as possible it ends in a lesser quality of life then if I rely on others for some things. I've even put effort in previous years to consciously doing things that will require me to ask for help - exercising that muscle if you will so it is stronger when I find I need it.
Well, right now I need it. I am not at Wellesley, there is no rides list or dining hall, I have no car, and I really only have one functional leg. Everything here is very non-handicap accessible (their ADA equivalent only was passed in 1995 - long after the building I work in saw it's last major renovation) and frankly i'm not very good on crutches - if I break concentration for a split second (which is pretty much my constant state of being so it happens frequently) the rhythm is broken and at best energy is lost - at worst I tumble. So yes, I need my friend's (and strangers) help to get to and from campus (though I can make it on crutches it is exhausting and takes like 20 minutes), to get coffee/food at campus, and to carry things for me. Additionally they are being helpful in supplying me with movies and things to get me to stay put as much as possible so I don't make it worse.
Honestly, everyone here has been wonderful - even the complete strangers (even those on buses!) that go out of their way to open doors for me or go slowly behind me on the stairway (without brushing past) when the elevator is out of service or non-existent. My friends have been even better - changing plans so that I can still make it, offering to do grocery runs, and transporting me when they can, walking with me when they can't. It has been a serious effort to be gracious - especially when I am exhausted and in pain - but I think I have been successful so far. This might be a catalyst to bring me to that next notch of comfort in living here. Maybe this time I won't go stir crazy and crutch into the woods?
Probably not - you have no idea how much I want to go dancing or even bike riding right now. It is so hard to do what is right in the long run at the expense of short run enjoyment!
Intellectually, of course, I know I am dependent on other people everyday to live the way I do - I just don't see them and don't have to admit that I need their help to live my lifestyle. I also know that despite my fiercely independent mental attitude, if I carry it through as much as possible it ends in a lesser quality of life then if I rely on others for some things. I've even put effort in previous years to consciously doing things that will require me to ask for help - exercising that muscle if you will so it is stronger when I find I need it.
Well, right now I need it. I am not at Wellesley, there is no rides list or dining hall, I have no car, and I really only have one functional leg. Everything here is very non-handicap accessible (their ADA equivalent only was passed in 1995 - long after the building I work in saw it's last major renovation) and frankly i'm not very good on crutches - if I break concentration for a split second (which is pretty much my constant state of being so it happens frequently) the rhythm is broken and at best energy is lost - at worst I tumble. So yes, I need my friend's (and strangers) help to get to and from campus (though I can make it on crutches it is exhausting and takes like 20 minutes), to get coffee/food at campus, and to carry things for me. Additionally they are being helpful in supplying me with movies and things to get me to stay put as much as possible so I don't make it worse.
Honestly, everyone here has been wonderful - even the complete strangers (even those on buses!) that go out of their way to open doors for me or go slowly behind me on the stairway (without brushing past) when the elevator is out of service or non-existent. My friends have been even better - changing plans so that I can still make it, offering to do grocery runs, and transporting me when they can, walking with me when they can't. It has been a serious effort to be gracious - especially when I am exhausted and in pain - but I think I have been successful so far. This might be a catalyst to bring me to that next notch of comfort in living here. Maybe this time I won't go stir crazy and crutch into the woods?
Probably not - you have no idea how much I want to go dancing or even bike riding right now. It is so hard to do what is right in the long run at the expense of short run enjoyment!
